Like a lot of working parents, I find myself constantly juggling both professional and personal goals, trying to find time for everything that matters, and sometimes feeling like I’m screwing it up big time. So for a little wisdom and practical advice, I turned to Cali Williams Yost, the CEO of the Flex+Strategy Group / Work+Life Fit, Inc., a flexibility strategy consulting firm. (Her new book is Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You).

Me: Why is it a problem for us to think in terms of work-life “balance”?

Cali: When your goal is work-life “balance,” it causes more problems than it solves. In fact, here are what I call the 10 Tyrannies of Work/Life Balance:

1) Balance is always discussed in the negative—what you “don’t” have.

2) Balance keeps you focused on the problem, not the solution.

3) Balance assumes we’re all the same.

4) Balance infers that there is a “right” a answer.

5) Balance leads us to judge others (and ourselves), often unfairly.

6) Balance results in unproductive guilt.

7) Balance suggests that the goal is an impossible 50-50 split between work and the other parts of your life.

8) Balance leaves no room for periods where there’s more work and less life, and vice versa.

9) Balance ignores the fact that work and life are constantly changing, and

10) Balance will never be taken seriously by corporate leaders, who only hear “work less” when you say “balance.”

Plus, have you ever noticed that when the term “work-life balance” is written out, there’s either a “ -“ or a “/” between work and life? The truth is that work and life are one and the same today. Not separate. You may want them to ultimately be as separate as possible, but you need to start from the premise that it’s all one big ball of time and energy that you need to deliberately and consciously manage.

Me: What is “work+life fit” How will I know when I have it?

Cali: Work+life fit is the way work “fits” into your life, day-to-day and at major life and career transitions. It’s like snowflakes. Everyone has a different work+life fit reality. No two are the same. Thinking about the goal as work+life “fit,” frees you from the ten tyrannies of balance above because you:

1) Talk about what you could have.

2) See solutions.

3) Know we’re all different.

4) Realize there’s no right answer.

5) Stop judging yourself and others, harshly.

6) Lose the guilt.

7) Embrace and plan for the ebb and flow of work and life, and

8) Increase the likelihood that corporate leaders will support the need to flexibly manage work and life better and smarter.

How will you know you “have it?” I love that question because it points out another mindset shift we need to make. Again, balance does infer that ultimately if you work hard enough there is an answer. But there is no right way. Managing your work+life fit is an ongoing practice. You never “have it.” You can only optimize it for a particular set of work and personal circumstances at a point in time. Then realities will change (they always do), and so will your fit. Once you realize that there is no right way, it relieves the pressure and allows you to experiment more freely with what works best for you.

Me: What are 3 tips you have found helpful for increasing your work+life fit?

Cali: The Three Steps to a Better Work+Life Fit® are outlined in my book, Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You (Riverhead, 2004), but here are a few highlights to get you started:

1) Regularly spend time asking yourself “What do I want my work+life fit to look like? What’s working? What’s missing?” and begin the process of connecting with what that ever-changing vision looks like for you. My experience from doing this work for over a decade is that most of us can easily rattle off what we don’t want, but very few of us have any idea about what we do want. I outline in the book steps to begin to create your work+life fit vision, but it can be as simple as sitting down in a quiet place a few times a week and simply asking the questions and listening to what you hear. It’s truly amazing how we all know what we want.

2) Consciously examine your definition of success to make sure it’s supporting the work+life fit you want, and not undermining it. In other words, make sure you aren’t your own worst enemy. This is tricky territory for high achievers because “success” is very clearly defined especially related to prestige, money, advancement and care giving. Maybe right now the work+life fit you want requires you to give up a part of your job or perhaps not take a promotion. How do you feel about that? Or maybe you aren’t able to be at every one of your child’s soccer games. Are you consumed with guilt? Our personal definition of success needs to be as flexible as the way we manage our work+life fit.

3) Create a plan for making your work+life fit vision a reality that’s a win for you and your job. The biggest mistake I see people make is if they want to work from home one or two days a week, shift their hours or reduce their schedule, they expect their manager to figure it out. No! You need to come to the table with an initial plan that outlines: What type of flexibility you want to manage your work+life fit, how the work will get done, how you will communicate with your manager, team and customers and when the plan will be reviewed. In my book, I outline step-by-step process of what you need to think about when creating a solid plan. Taking the lead will greatly increase your chances for support and success.

Author's Bio - Cali Williams Yost

Cali Williams Yost is the CEO of the Flex+Strategy Group / Work+Life Fit, Inc., a flexibility strategy consulting firm. In addition to her book, Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You (Riverhead/Penguin Group, 2005), Yost created the award-winning Work+Life Fit blog, and is an expert blogger for FastCompany.com.

Global warming. Water shortages. Terrorism. Failing health care system. Wars around the globe. Gas prices. Severe economic downturn. Look at the headlines and it's enough to make you stay in bed.

But wait! There is hope. It's not the cock-eyed optimism sung about in South Pacific, the hottest show on Broadway. Rather it's what psychologists in France are calling "intelligent optimism." Such optimism does not deny the reality of today's world, but rather seeks to LEARN how to fashion a life amid such difficulties. Martin Seligman, the psychologist who had made optimism and happiness his life's work, would agree with the French: optimism can be taught.

Consider these basic steps:

(1) Focus on what you can control. Don't get carried away by circumstances you cannot change. You might not change global warming, but you can control your energy consumption. You can't stop the downsizing in your company, but you can arm yourself with marketable skills. You cannot halt the bleeding on Wall Street but you can rebalance your portfolio. You can take a hard look at expenses and determine what are necessities and what are nice-to-have items that can be dropped. At the same time, do resolve to spend some money or time on something that truly gives you pleasure and lightens your spirit. Two-for-one hamburgers at the local joint with my best friend make my heart glad and brings a smile to TWO faces.

(2) Reframe the event so that you are not a victim. There is always another way to view a situation. The flight cancellation that caused me to miss (and forfeit) a major engagement was not "planned" to "get" me. It just was. My choice is to figure out what I can do to help the current client and what I will put in place of the cancelled work. When Hurricane Katrina wiped out the home of a nurse, she told me that she focused every day on what she still had and she had her children do the same thing. Every day started with gratitude. She refused to see herself as a victim.

(3) Think "enough". When we concentrate on what we don't have, we miss all the many things we do have. The truth of the matter is that if you are reading this article, you do have enough computer power. You do have enough intelligence. You do have enough. It might not be as much as you would like but, for today, it is enough.

(4) Cultivate optimistic responses. Like a farmer tending a field, optimism will never grow unless it is watered, fed, weeded, and nourished. We all have days in which negativity can take over. And, sometimes, that is a WISE response because it keeps us grounded in reality. Just make sure it is reality and not the imagination making extraordinary leaps into conjecture. Weed out that conjecture. Ask what you can DO to see a result that gives you a sense of power. As Alexander Graham Bells stated, "Sometimes we stare so long at the closed door we fail to see the one that is opening." The 3M engineer who thought he had failed to make a glue compound that would stick discovered what we all now call Post -In Notes(tm).

(5) Remember the power of generations.Children of depressed parents are more prone to depression. Children of optimists are more prone to be optimists. What do you choose to pass along? Even if your parents were negative, you can break the cycle by stopping, freeze-framing a situation, listening to the negative self-talk, and then literally giving yourself a different message. Yes, this is a practice. A hard practice. But you can make it a habit if you work it over time.

(6) Sing. When all else fails-start singing. It is impossible to feel negative when you lift your voice in song. Music allows you to formulate words, to add nuance, and to even get your toe tapping.

(7) Refuse to watch or read anything that puts a dark pall over your day.Instead of tuning into gloom, read a book that transports you to another time and a better mood. Go play with the baby next door. And if you are one of those folks who just can't stand children, take a walk with your dog, dig in the yard, or get a bucket of balls and practice your golf swing. Better that than walking around with heart and mind weighted down.

(8) Refuse to participate in a chorus of negative conversations if the only thing you will hear is whining, complaining and moaning.Tell your group that they have three minutes to throw a hissy fit but then it must stop and the next six minutes must be devoted to either finding something positive about the situation or something that they can do.

Lastly, practice saying this mantra, "This too shall pass." It always has and it always will.

Author's Bio - Eileen McDargh

Known as a powerful presenter and facilitator, Eileen McDargh, CSP, CPAE has been creating conversations that matter and connections that count since 1980. Executive Excellence ranks her among the top 100 thought-leaders in leadership development. Her newest book, Gifts from the Mountain, received the 2008 Ben Franklin book award. To hire Eileen to heal your company as a speaker, coach or retreat leader visit http://www.eileenmcdargh.com